Relational stress in
Japan – underside of Amaé
The nature of
interpersonal relationship in Japan has been described as shame-prone
(Benedict) or amaé-based (Doi) etc. In the past, this author described it in
terms of interpersonal sensitiveness and passivity among Japanese people. One
issue that has not been touched on in these discussions was the negative aspect
of Japanese way of communicating with each other. Japanese analyst Okonogi
called that aspect “others-oriented” :an individual is very keen and sensitive
to what others think, especially what others expect of him. Japanese people are
using their “social skin” to perceive each other’s expectation on them (Tatara)
in order to function harmoniously in the society. This might create a very
stressful relationship in some cases where incessant mutual mind reading is
required to maintain his or her social life. Some Japanese people have an
eye-opening experience when they go abroad and are exposed to different
cultures where they find that they no longer need to read what others expect of
them, as others do not have that type of relational pattern at all. The author
then discusses that mutual mind-reading is in fact, one of the tantamount
factors, not only amaé–based relationship, but early mother-child dyed across
the cultures. The notion of “passive-object love” proposed by Ferenczi and
Balint clearly indicates this point. However, although mutual mind-reading
could go on to exist to some extent in a healthy manner after childhood
depending on relationship and social context, it can sometimes get out of
control. If a mother’s amaé wish becomes too strong, as in cases of spoiling
mothers, the mother-child relationship gets into a unidirectional and demanding
relationship where no true amaé-based relationship is achieved. The author is
especially concerned about some mother-daughter relationship in Japan, where
excessive mutual mind reading would induce a type of master-slave relationship.
In a worst case, the mother might end up reading what is not there in the child’s mind. The message like “I know you are
anxious to be alone” might be perceived by the child like a fact, even if the
child is not really anxious. Thus excessive mind-reading might end up being thought-implanting, creating a highly
traumatic and “dissociogenic” (Okano) relationship.
